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does anybody hear her - casting crowns

she is running
a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
she is trying
but the canyon's ever widening
in the depths of her cold heart
so she sets out on another misadventure just to find
she's another two years older
and she's three more steps behind

does anybody hear her? can anybody see?
or does anybody even knows she's going down today
under the shadow of our steeple
with all the lost and lonely people
searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
does anybody hear her? can anybody see?

she is yearning
for shelter and affection
that she never found at home
she is searching
for a hero to ride in
to ride in and save the day
and in walks her prince charming
and he knows just what to say
momentary lapse of reason
and she gives herself away

if judgement looms under every steeple
if lofty glances from lofty people
can't see past her scarlet letter
and we never even met her

i was just watching the MV for this song on tangle.com when it dawned on me that everyone needs someone by their side even though they may not admit it. sometimes, when we're caught up in things around us that we forget to look out for others. even strangers that we meet everyday may just need someone to talk to. it's pretty weird to get involved in a conversation with someone whom we dont know or not comfortable with but that conversation that we got involved in may just be the thing they need..

something to think about..?

oh oh!!! baby's coming back today=)

love,
me=)

baby left for Cairns yesterday=( immediately after coming back from a camp thing=( so you can guess how frustrating it is to only get to talk to him fo a little bit before saying goodbye all over again=( but the again, if he had a choice, he'll most definitely not want it this way=) and im taking comfort in that=) im really missing him now anyways=( but i know that he'll be back before i know it and everything'll be normal again=) i hope he's doing fine and stuffs there anyways=) then at least i wont worry so much..? haha! he prolly is luh=) with his family there and all=)

anyways, work's a bitch and i hate the customers there=( i mean, its one thing to show that you can afford food from tcc and pay 3 digits a bill without batting an eyelid but its another thing to be arrogant and showy about it. heck, we're humans too and i believe that everyone can have a chance to pay 3 digits a bill for a meal without batting an eyelid as well and it only depends on how much that person wants to acheive that kinda wealth? well, it's not up to me to judge anyway. at least most of the people im working with are pretty easy to get along, but i wouldn't call them friends though. more like accuaintences (sp?) i'd say. but still..

okay bye=)

 im scared. suddenly cautious of everything. worried bout stuffs. just WHOAH! i want the drunkedness again. i dont want to be sober and face the fears of man. i want to continue laughing and all like last night. just want to be drunk again. I WANT TO DRINK FROM THE RIVER OF LIFE! one picture comes into my mind when i think back on what happened from jan till now. that's me, lying on the floor, dead tired. i suddenly just want out. dont want to continue. will i crash even before i start? will i be able to just go on? i've been thinking alot bout these. im scared. really scared. 

 mugged with the usual people today again.. actually, it has really been crazy, as in my schedule and all, and looking back, i dont understand how i managed to go through a week of exams and constant studying like that. i havent been doing these kinda hardcore studying ever since i was like what? 12? haha=) yeah, i've wondered how i managed to get through my Ns too.. so, it has really been tiring.. keep wanting to sleep! 

anyway, back track to sunday.. yeah, last sunday.. dad wanted me down for ushering cos he didnt have enough people to i did.. thought things will be like normal, usher people to their seats and collect offerings and to the communion thingy but when i went to my sector, i realised that it was FULL of people from the childrens' min and that included Godma and all the other people whom i've known all my life (as in the teachers) and when i looked at the occupants of the seats, i saw children. children whom i love so dearly. then people started coming up to me and asking me why havent i been serving and all.. gosh, all that came to my mind was 'fatigue'. i guess i was tired.. i am tired.. funny how they always say, 'it's almost time for the younger generation to take over' and say that they're tired and all but dont they realise that we're tired as well..? anway, i still love them.. 

GAAAHHHH!!!! I NEEDSLEEP!!!!!

band got a COP for SYF.
SUPER disappointed.
SUPER discouraged
SUPER annoyed
SUPER sad
SUPER sorry (for them)
SUPER shocked
SUPER argh!

i know to a certain extend it's none of my business but i was really shocked when i heard about the news.. i was screaming in the toilet luh! like everyone was looking at me.. but other than doing that, i had no idea how else to let go of all the emotions in me. somehow, i felt as though something died in me. i wanted to cry, somehow, i couldnt. dramatic (maybe) but true. im tired (physically) need sleep. pronto!

 RAWR! 
haha! yeah, im feeling much better now thanks to
- DAVINIA! for praying for me and with me.. darling, if you see this, i love you! whatever happens, ill be there praying for and with you too dear! ILY!
- C! for encouraging me and giving me super advices and praying for me too! dear, i know that you'll see this so, whatever happens, ill still be there for you.. nothing lesser than that.. i know that you're still trying to adapt and all but dont worry alright..? ill still be supporting you in prayer! ILY!
- CARMEN! for being there for me in class and in crappy situations i get myself into in school and all and letting me know again that you all will be there for me=) thank you WOMAN! and ill still be here for yall still.. you can count on it! ILY!

i really do sincerely thank God for all these AWESOME friends that i have over these past few years that taught me SO MANY things ranging from A-Z.. i do love these people and treasure them! 

I LOVE YALL!!

okay, i just found out, in the bus, what's wrong with me this week.
i've been cranky, loud, mean, angry, grumpy, whinny and all the negative things combined together. yes, things have been crazy with all the classes and sports events (it was sports and arts fest this week) and all.
it HAS been crazy at school and all. but it was only on the bus that i realised this:

im physically tired, mentally drained, spiritually hungry and emotionally crazy.

physically tired cos i REALLY am tired cos of the schedule that doesnt allow me home until 8 or so.. running around school to get classes in order and all just because im expected to. gosh!

mentally drained cos of the school work? i guess im just not used to it yet luh..

spiritually hungry cos im really too tired for church and that just somehow leaves me hanging there..

emotionally crazy cos of the company i have around me, sitting beside me in class..

i feel suffocated. as if im drowning in the huge ocean and things around me are just weighing me down, drowning me. as if i just have my head above the waters, hanging on.. then again, i find myself smiling and laughing at everything and all, putting on a mask that says 'im fine, im a happy girl, i love this school and i take things step by step all the time'. not that im none of those but reality check, i really am not like that all the time. im only human and i need my space. there is this stereotype going on about me that goes 'she's responsible, she doesnt play sports, she is goofy, she is blur, she is this, she is that'. again, yes, i dont disagree that i am like that MOST OF THE TIME but please be reminded that im not like that ALL THE TIME?

okay sarah. enough. get ready for bed. go talk to Him and sleep. i love you.

 Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

funny how these quizzes ALWAYS tell you who you really are and all? does this really prove that we ALL put on a mask even though we ALWAYS deny it? question is, who ARE you? actually, it's really difficult to find out for sure.. im asking Him.. that's like the only way ill know the truth.. and i want to know also, how think is this mask that i have on me? yes, i admit that i do put on a mask and all.. but then again, who doesnt? everyone wants a form of self-protection.. we all dont want to come across as being vulnerable to ANYTHING.. but ask yourself, is that possible?

okay, bye!
irock, bytheway=))
love yall!

 hello! im sick! yeah.. super sadddd.. =((
anyway, i just like got back my CA results and the only results that i am really happy about is my SS marks.. i got a 19/25 or a 76/100=A1!! haha! see, i've never really passed my SS cos i totally hate it and all but seriously, who would have thought that i would get an A1 at O level standard when i failed it at N level standard?!

nevertheless, i really do thank God for that! 

i want to sleeeeeppp!!! yes, i've been like really sleeeeppppyyyyyyy! 

anyway, cam asked this question; why do we pray?
well, i guess my answer would be this:
we may be like praying for our own selfish aims and all, maybe, just maybe, deep down, we DO want to showcase God's power through all these miracles and all. like just deep deep down.. and by doing that, we ARE glorifying God. it just depends on whether that is our first priority or not! so is it? 

i know i havent been updating.. sorry!

i've finally known what my problem is. in terms of my 'new life'. i just need constant reminders of how REAL God is in my life and not take things for granted.. i hope i wont get distracted by the things and ways of life anymore now that i have gotten my 'new life'. i want to be able to roam about the 'first level' in the big house that i am staying in and not stay in my corner or my comfort zone for that matter. if i dont ven dare to roam around the first level, how will i get up to the second or the third? then i wont be moving forward anymore but moving backwards cos im constantly in my corner.

i guess ill need courage from Him to be finally out of the corner and realize that hey! im staying in a really nice and big house of His and i dont have to constantly stay in my corner anymore. cam was talking bout setting your hearts heavenward and we were really going in depth into the Word of God. i dont know bout you guys but this is the part of cell that i really like and enjoy. the Word of God isnt really just black and white but it's FULL of colours! all we really need to do is concentrate and not get distracted.

it's actually not easy to not get distracted by the ways of life and all especially if you're a student in singapore.. but i guess with enough determination and perserverance, we'll get there. it just depends on the timing of God and what your destiny in Him is. it'll show sooon enough i hope. He has been real in my life, yes but i need more than that! im really not contented with me just knowing that He's real and all. i want a proper relationship with Him. i want a time where whether im down or up, ill look to Him and give Him all my thanks and praises. i yearn for a time where He is my bestfriend and a Father to me (not that He isnt).

but what i have now is just knowing that He is real and not the above mentioned. i need constant reminders. but i want a time where i dont need them anymore and it comes to me naturally! i want a time where i an look to Him for comfort and not turning to comfort foods for that matter. i dont want to run away and seek comfort or shelter from a book that only whisks me away from reality to wherever temporally and when reality strikes, i feel lost again. i dont want that. i want a time where i can run to HIM, find peace, joy and everything again. so that when reality strikes, i'd be realy for it and wont get caught off-guard. that's what i want.

i know that this post is a really lone one and all but this is really my true thoughts and all.. this is REALLY what i want.

sarahj

we will overcome,
by the blood of the lamb,
and the word of our testimony,
everyone, overcome!

happy V day everyone! okay, i had TWO dates today! one is God and the other is yanyan! i had breakfast with yanyan at her house and watched rat-pootooie!! =))

i had an amazing time with God too! He renewed my trust and faith in Him as well=) somehow, He showed me how much He loves me and cares for me.. gosh! i love Him!

I LOVE GODDD!!!
 sorry, i just found alot of things to praise Him for=))

im gonna be
even more undignified than this,
some would say its foolishness 
but im gonna be
even more undignified than this
cos its all for you my Lord

i think the lyrics are like that but there's a 70% chance that i got it all wrong.. neeways, im praying VERY HARD for my prayer group / fuel station in school.. tell yall why another time..

Reign in me - starfield

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

(chorus:)
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

(chorus)

We cry out
For your love to refine us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us blameless until you return

(chorus 2x)

You would reign in us

(Bridge:)
So reign, please reign in us
Come purify our hearts we need your touch
Come cleanse us like a flood and send us out
So the world may know you reign, you reign in us

loads of laughter,
sarahj=D

i just came back from the transformer camp!!!

have LOADS to tell!

first day,
we watched the prince of egypt and there was this one part that spoke to me. the part where God spoke to Moses when he was at the burning bush. the flames that came from Him just surrounded Moses and comforted him. i've always wondered how it looked like when moses saw the flames and all. another thing was the conversation Moses had with God. it was AUDIBLE (i wanted to have an audible conversation with God by the end of the camp)! during word, the message was simple- God is pleased with you. He didnt and wouldnt abandon you just because you screwed up. He has uses for everyone of us. God can use you no matter how unworthy you think you are. when Moses saked God, who am i? God answered with a 'I am with you'. this clearly  shows that He doesnt bother about Moses' character or what he did (he killed someone). and, i saw a black heart with someone peeping into it during worship. this was the prayer i prayed 'Lord, do let me hear Your voice. i want it, i long for it and im curious! Please..? love, your daughter'. =) and, regina fell sick and kept saying that the room felt like antartica when the air con wasnt on and the room was stuffy! like when i opened the room door, hot air like rushed out luh! so esther (hoon), marianne and i had to like take turns to check on her or like occasionally all go up together. thank God she got better on the second day=))

second day,
im not a christian student. i am a student christian! okay, let me explain. in christian student, i am a student who HAPPENS to be a christian. whereas in student christian, i am a christian who HAPPENS to be a student. the identity that will stay with me is the Christian identity. not the 'student' part. God doesnt call the qualified, He qualifies the called. like Moses, he wasnt qualified at all! he was a murderer! but God still called him to bring the israelites out from egypt and qualified him. another thing i learnt was that when im in school, God follows me there and im a christian there! in every action, i must make sure it's glorifying to Him. God created us in His image, we insult Him by belittling ourselves.
1 peter 2:9
but you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.

third day,
one word to describe it. AMAZING! we went hunting for God's treasures!! they're actually strangers whom God wants us to speak to..?
here's what happened to my lil group (edric, reggie, keith and me=))
we were going to like look for my treasure first after lunch and started walking this small lane with landed properties by the side of the roads. God gave me this picture of a middle aged lady wearing a white tee and dark broen berms who will be walking towards my direction. as we walked on, i saw someone who totally fitted the description and approached her but got rejected flat. so i continued walking with the group and another lady with pink stripped polo shirt with beige three quarts walked towards me and because she didnt fit my 'requirements', i totally ignored her and walked on. we got tired and decided to turn back reluctantly and when the road was like widening, i got rather sian and desperate cos i know the lady would be on this small lane. so i said (out loud) 'God, if the person you want me to pray for is really here, get her to turn back (i assumed that the person to be prayed for is the one that fitted my description)!' 2 to 3 seconds later, the lady with the pink stripped shirt walked towards my direction on the other side of the road! i was hesitant and looked at edric.. he said, 'if you're faithful, you'd go approach her.' and so i went! i ran with reggie to the traffic light and it was like red man.. but when i stepped on the side of the walkway, the red man turned green!! so i approached her and prayed with her.. she almost cried and all.. that was like WOW!!
then, went back to camp for session.. josh was like lets pray for the JCs, POLYs and ITEs in singapore and we wrote the names on huge papers and placed them like a circle around the room and we all scattered to pray for different schools.. after ta=hat was a realy short time of Pand W and it was really overwhelming! i knelt down and started crying and crying.. i havent done that for a really long time!! i dunno but i felt my heart ache for the schools that needed love badly.. God was and still is SO REAL!!

fourth day,
we affirmed members of our group and it was really nice to know things.. PandW was AWESOME!! there was altar call for those that wanted to be transformers in their schools and i went up. again He ministered to me and got me crying all over again.. but He's so good.. we all got like super high and were like screaming things to each other and all=))

sigh..
i miss camp..

loads of laughter,
sarahj=D

yes, it's my last day at work, again.

but there's something different to this last day. there was a sense of belonging and a sense of lost and emptiness in the daily routine i had for the holidays. this year, i experienced love from people, anger, frustration and many other mixed emotions while working at this place. miss tan matured alot after working here and to see her grow is a really nice thing.

i ended work at 9pm and kah leong came into the locker room and miss tan said something about him owing her hugs and stuffs.. he gave her a hug came to give me mine too. his hug made the both of us really emotional and we suddenly felt that we're really leaving and not coming back anymore. as we went around taking pictures and telling people that it's our last day and that's the reason for the photo taking session, memories came flooding back, good or bad.

all the 'shit! i burnt my finger', 'why are some customers so stupid?', 'table __ is so annoying!, 'k**** doesn't have enough common sense luh!', 'we're working till 5, mark extended it, not enough staff' and 'that customer on table __ like hungry ghosts like that, either never eat for a long time or never see food before.' only made things memorable.

it was really busy today. miss tan, doreen, may and i are all on split shift and that means our breaks will be at 4. but it was so busy that we ahd to stay till 430, thus sacrificing half an  hour of our precious break time. doreen and may got to start work at 630 while we were expected to start at 6. oh wells, it's our last day. when we got back to nihon, mark immediately told me to go set up the tatami room and station c and all. that was when the crowd came. i had a reservation for 20 at my station and they were rather hard to please and all. they made things really troublesome for me and all. but my efforts all paid off cos when i was making my seemingly endless trips from their tables to the trolley where a the soiled plates and utensils were put at, this lady came up t me and said, ' this is for you guys. yall did a great job in serving us.' and gave me this huge container of home-made crackers for us to share.

the greatest reward when you're in this line are the praises and lil tokens of appreciation and even a simple 'thank you' you receive from the customers that you serve with the smile you put on your face. that smile may be genuine, it may be not cos of a bad day but whatever it is, it's the effort the waiter or waitress is putting in irregardless of what happened earlier in the day for him or her. do feel free to show your appreciation to them. they do have feelings too..!

i have learnt alot while working here in nihon.

thanks guys!

loads of laughter,
sarahj=D

i know! heh heh..

there has always been a tradition of giving presents every christmas.. why are we receiving gifts when it isnt our birthday but the Lord's? heh heh.. something to ponder about..

you are  gift FROM God, what you become is a gift TO God. very meaningful.

neeways, this is a really valuable lesson learnt from a pastor.

- dont let the pain of the past keep you from the hope of the future.
- learn from the past and forget about the mistake.
- we cant gain momentum moving towards tomorrow if we're dragging the past behind us.
- life and death is in the power of the tongue, those who love it will eat its fruits.
- we should forgive and forget the sins others have committed against us.
    = colossians 3:13
              - bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the Lord forgave you.
    = luke 11:4
              - forgive us our sins as we also forgive everyone who sins against us.
    = ephesians 4:32
              - be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other , just as Christ God forgave you.
- satan uses our offences against us.
- give up grudges to move forward.
- ask God to help me get over it and move on!
- a deep seated grudge in your life eats up your peace of mind like a deadly cancer virus destroying a vital organ.
- we're all imperfect people undergoing renovation.
- dont be too hard on others.


to be continued.....


loads of laughter,
sarahj

I PASSED!!

yes, by the grace of God that is..
my results are as follows..

english - 1
math, humans, sciences - 4
fnn - 5

it's amazing how i managed to pass my math with a 4 considering how badly i've been doing for the past 4 years in secondary school.. disappointed with my humans and fnn though.. for my sciences, it has been quite like that from sec 3 or so..?

oh well,

I PASSES!!

loads of laughter,
sarahj=D

now, i've got two ways to go after getting my results

fail Ns - go join SAF band, save cash for taking Os as a private candidate, continue music as a full time job.

pass Ns - take Os, two routes opened; join SAF or go to NYP for nursing course as planned.

i didnt expect my parents to give me the option of going into the band at all. they gave me time to think about which one i would really prefer and that's it. no more changes and all. that's what i'll be doing for life. a nurse or a musician? i dont want to have any regrets after choosing it.

results are out next thursday. and that's when i need to make my decision.

guess there's only one way out. and that's to pray about this.

seriously speaking, i REALLY dont mind joining the band. it'll be really fun and interesting too=) at least i wont have anything to complain about..

oh wells, do pray for me okay..?

sarahj